Healing Through the Holidays – A Season for Empowerment

Divorce: Healing Through the Holidays - A Season for Empowerment

The Holidays. 

Although they can be “the most wonderful time of the year”, the season can also be filled with stress and overwhelm. 

In fact, research has shown that the holidays can put so much stress on relationships, they drive already rocky marriages to divorce.  Furthermore, divorce rates go up in January and February with the highest spikes in March (and August). The hypothesis behind the increase in divorce filings during the first three months of the year is – you guessed it – HOLIDAYS.

But what do holidays look like during divorce or shortly after? 

Simply put – the holidays can be uber-challenging. This is a time that highlights the many ways your life is changing because of your divorce. Memories of the past can cause you to feel depressed. You may worry about how you will make it through the season while dealing with so many emotions.  Lack can be in the forefront of your thoughts – lack of time, energy, money and time with the kids.  You feel so overwhelmed you may wonder if you will ever enjoy the holidays again. Here are some tips to help you feel more empowered and get some control back.  

Just Take it One at a Time

Prevent blurry or frenzied overwhelm by focusing on one holiday at a time. Don’t try to multi-task. Protect your energy. One holiday at a time. One day at a time.

Write a Script - Be prepared with answers

People are probably going to ask you questions about your divorce. Plan and practice your script and have it ready to go so you are not taken off guard.

Remember, you never have to share anything you do not want to. If you do answer, it’s best to keep it neutral. You can simply respond with “I know you probably have tons of questions but I’m processing everything myself and really can’t answer right now”. Again, it’s up to you how much you want to share. Get that script ready for unsolicited advice as well. You can say something as simple as “I appreciate your advice but I am working with professional support to get through this process.” 

Create boundaries 

Let them be known and stick to them. Have boundaries set for yourself and with others. Make your preferences clearly known. Decide what events you will and won’t be attending, what topics you would rather not get involved in, and what traditions you choose to continue.  This helps manage expectations of yourselves and from others while protecting your energy and resources. Saying “no” to one thing often means saying “yes” to something more enjoyable.

Adjust your expectations

Holidays can shove in your face how much things are changing. Make the holidays as simple and enjoyable as you possibly can. With divorce comes change and that includes the holidays. The season may feel different but different can be good!

Be realistic

Don’t overcompensate. Focus on being present instead of buying the perfect presents. Don’t go overboard – and try not to feel guilty if things are different. Remember, Different isn’t wrong. It’s just different.

It will be easier to keep your expectations realistic when you factor in your changes. With a divorce, you are thrown into the midst of a major change – increased responsibility, decreased financial stability and less free time. Add in emotions too. It is easier to be realistic with expectations of self, family and holidays then to set yourself up for failure and disappointment.  

Practice Gratitude

It is easy to focus on what you had and no longer have. With practice and discipline, focus on what you do have and can do. Try asking yourself “What’s NOT wrong”. 

Speak up

Reach out to family and friends and ask for help. Nobody can read your mind and don’t wait for someone to guess what you need.  Just ask. But be very clear on what you need and think about what type of help you are requesting. 

Do you just need someone to listen? 

Do you need advice or guidance? 

Do you need practical help like babysitting, getting rides for your children, or other tasks? 

Make sure you communicate your needs and expectations to help avoid the frustration of unwanted advice and disappointment when people don’t offer what you need. 

Grace and Space

When things are changing and you are faced with new circumstances, feelings of grief can resurface. Be kind to yourself with grace and space. Give yourself some patience and understanding. Treat yourself as you would treat your best friend. With all the emotions, adjusting and adapting to your new life, added tasks, events, responsibilities and scheduling…the holidays can be overwhelming! Be gentle with yourself as you navigate the holidays.

Believe

Things will get better. Know it will get easier. Your life is not over because your marriage has ended. Every ending is a new beginning. Remember, this is your new story to write.

You aren’t alone – I am here for you with both Divorce Support and Recovery Groups and individual Divorce Coaching.  www.kimberlylorahcoaching.com.