It May Not Be Perfect—But It’s Christmas

Three Gifts to Give Yourself this Season

By Kimberly Lorah, LPC and Certified Divorce Coach

I happen to celebrate Christmas, but it could be Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Bodhi Day, Winter Solstice, New Year’s, Thanksgiving, or Three Kings Day—any and all of the holidays that hold meaning for you.

 And your holidays just might not be perfect—especially if you're navigating a divorce.

This is my Christmas, December 2024. Five years post-divorce, which makes it my sixth holiday season since the papers were finalized.

Pictured above is my Christmas tree and my three dogs. Two of them are seniors—each about 14 years old. The third is "The Puppy," who joined our family three years ago to help my daughter with her anxiety. Ironically, the puppy is now on Prozac for her own severe anxiety.

The big plastic fence around the tree isn’t a festive choice; it’s a necessity. It keeps the little dog from using the tree skirt as a bathroom, prevents my visually impaired, deaf, and dementia-stricken black dog from knocking the tree over, and stops "The Puppy" from treating the ornaments like snacks.

If you look closely, you’ll see the middle strand of lights on our "pre-lit" tree has gone out. It’s front and center, impossible to miss. And you know what? It’s going to stay like that. The tree will remain behind that ugly plastic fence too.  Perfectly Imperfect.

These days, I am consciously choosing imperfection. I’m managing my expectations, protecting my peace, and conserving my energy.

Some of the biggest challenges during divorce can be just that – managing your expectations, protecting your  peace, and conserving your energy—especially during the holidays. But things don’t have to be perfect or even great.  "Good enough" is usually more than enough.

It’s ok to let go of perfect!

Finding Peace in Imperfect Holidays After Divorce

The holiday season is advertised as a magical time of joy, love, and togetherness. But when you’re going through a divorce, it can feel anything but magical. Heartbreaking? Lonely? Overwhelming? Yes, to all three 

My first holiday season during my divorce in 2016 was one of the most emotionally complex times of my life. I felt like I was carrying the weight of the world while trying to put on a brave face. My soon-to-be ex-husband had just moved out of our family home and the divorce process was just beginning. Meanwhile, he and his new girlfriend seemed to be reveling in the glow of their "forbidden love," while I struggled just to get out of bed and drive the kids to school.

I felt all of this pressure to make the season magical for my kids. As if the holiday decorations would distract them, Christmas cookies would sweeten the bitterness, and twinkling lights would brighten the dark truth—that our family would never be the same.

Inside, I was cycling through grief, anger, fear, and overwhelm. My Christmas stocking that year was overflowing with emotions I didn’t want to feel.

Letting Go of the Pressure to Make Holidays Perfect

Gift #1: Manage Your Expectations

It’s not your job to make everybody happy all the time.

I am a recovering people-pleaser. For so many of us, the holidays are wrapped in layers of expectations.  But I’ve realized that most of the holiday pressure I felt wasn’t coming from others—it was coming from within me. I was trying to be everything: Mom, Dad, Santa, and the Holiday Magic Maker.

If I could create a perfect holiday, everything would be okay. But the truth is, my kids didn’t need perfection—what they really needed was a happier mom -  not the overwhelmed, stressed-out version I had become.

Sometimes, especially when you’re reeling from divorce, the goal isn’t to create that over-the-top, perfect holiday magic; it’s simply to get through the season. Manage your expectations—especially of yourself—and let some things go.

Learning to Say “No” Without Guilt

Gift #2: Protect Your Peace

Saying no isn’t selfish—it’s essential.

I am a recovering overachiever. During my first holiday season during my divorce, I felt an even stronger need to say yes to everything and pretend that everything was okay. I thought keeping busy would distract us all from the pain. So we did all of the regular holiday activities and created new traditions to replace what we’d lost.

But all I really did was exhaust myself. And my kids.  Underneath the cookies, decorations, and forced smiles was the undeniable reality that our family had changed.  My marriage was over.  Our family was broken. We were grieving. No amount of twinkling lights or shiny bows could change that.

The grief was still there, and pretending otherwise only deepened the exhaustion. That’s when I began to see that saying no wasn’t about giving up—it was about letting go. Letting go of the pressure to make everything perfect and instead choosing to protect my peace, a gift I desperately needed to give myself.

Saying no, I’ve learned, is a way to protect your peace—and that’s a gift worth giving yourself.

Embracing “Good Enough” Holidays

Gift #3: Conserve Your Energy

Letting go of perfection creates space for authenticity and healing.

I am a recovering perfectionist and this was one of the hardest lessons for me. But when I stopped striving for a picture-perfect holiday, everything shifted. My expectations became simpler, and I learned to "go with the flow."

I gave myself permission to “just be”. To choose what to focus on. To enjoy the moments, even if they weren’t picture-perfect. To conserve my energy for what truly mattered.

And you know what? Imperfect holidays have become some of my most meaningful ones. It’s not about what the season looks like; it’s about how it feels.

The Most important Gift of All – The Gift of Self-Compassion

The holidays can be hard, especially when you’re navigating the changes that come with divorce. It’s okay to not feel okay. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to let go of perfection and embrace a "good enough" holiday.

This year, give yourself the gift of self-compassion. Rest. Say no without guilt. Show up as you are—even if that means messy, imperfect, or just okay.

Christmas 2024. Five years post-divorce. My kids are older, and the anger and hurt have subsided. I love my new life.

And yes, life keeps happening. Things change, and things stay the same. We still hang our Christmas stockings, but this year mine is filled with peace, acceptance, and imperfection.

Our tree may be missing a strand of lights, but it’s still beautiful.